Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
