dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
