Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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