i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
