You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
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