Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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