Pants 0. Shit 1.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
