Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
it hurts more in the daytime
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
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