I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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