I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
