she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
