i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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