I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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