So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
