We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
