Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Randomize
