ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Randomize
