I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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