you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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