i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
