remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Randomize
