found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
