9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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