Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
