Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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