We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
