I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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