I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
