there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
