So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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