I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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