Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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