burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
