A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
