i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
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