If i come over, it means nothing
Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
