I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
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