She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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