No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
