how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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