I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize