I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
