currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
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