I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
