apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I love you. Go after that dick
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Randomize
