How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Randomize
