She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
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