i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
