Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
