fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
