Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
