genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
