a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
