Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Randomize
