Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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