there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
