I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize