Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
