TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
