Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Randomize
