why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
how drunk are you?
Several
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
