I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
