Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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