i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
