Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Randomize
