Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
