Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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