You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Randomize
