Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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