She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
