Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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