I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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